I find it strange that in our moments of pain, things can become most
clear.I find it strange that in our moments of pain, things can become most
clear.
I sit here, still cooling after having to spend the last one and a half hours walking home, normally a 20 minute drive. This, being the second time my transportation has broken down in the last week.
On the way I thought, and have been thinking, of many things. I stand at the edge of oblivion, looking in, and often wonder; Am I a failure?
These past few weeks have not gone well for me. As the faithful reader knows, I've changed a lot over the past few months. But more so than my writing shows, I've been changing my philosophy and psychology, not just because I'm a psychology student now, but because of a lot of personal growth in general. It is simply another time for me to phoenix.
Since Valentines day, a very important day to me, I've been looking back on my life.
I find myself now missing, more than ever, the little things that come with companionship.
I miss that girl to come home to. To hug, to talk to, to take baths with, to laugh with, to share my day with, to light candles and play soft music for, tie up and caress with fur, or ice... oh wait maybe that last one is just me.
Lately I've been wanting to start a family. See a happy small face look up at me with love and caring, for me simply being me.
I think on this past week. How I've lost my job (for things uncontrolled, not my fault). How I'm now faced with an expensive repair on my transportation, or getting a new one. How I've still not recovered financially from re-financing my house a year ago, still one payment behind. Now jobless, the clock ticks.
I look at myself, and while I continue to grow and change, I find myself wanting, yet find myself physically rapidly approaching the same place I was fifteen years ago.
I only wanted to achieve a few things in my life. I wanted a home, which I owned, a wife who loved me, someday a family.
The home I still have, but is rapidly under threat and may be lost within the next few months. I'm single, as I have been for 3 years now, and though I have someone I care about deeply, things are complex. Family, is just as far off as a permanent relationship.
I stand at the edge of oblivion, everything at the verge of being lost, or already lost, yet all still very within my grasp, and I ask myself; Am I a failure?
Summary / Solution / Truth
I pass the houses on the way home. The happy families all snuggled sleeping. The dog on the porch who I wanted to say hi to, but growled threateningly while regarding me indifferently. I look at my life at 30 and find I've accomplished very little, and what I have left, hangs by a thread, ready for salvation or destruction.
Am I a failure?
I think as long as there are those who's lives I've touched, who's lives I've changed, no. I think as long as you have touched even just one person in your life forever you will never be a failure.
Sometimes people wonder why we play. Here is your answer. Some of us are here to live the life of a healer, to have meaning and purpose, be we cleric or not. To touch the lives of others and bring them some joy and possibly help them through times of trouble.
As long as we can still touch the lives of others, we will never be failures.
PS- After completion of this page my modem decided to have a conflict and take 4 hrs to repair *sigh*